May 31, 2007
~ Randomly...
Leave a light on for me.
Past week and this, I've been getting re-acquainted with beer. There was a time when I went drinking with Wenn every so often. Fat Frog and pre-Fat Frog days. I stopped when I went into teaching. Simply cos when you are a teacher, there isn't much night life to speak of. You report for work by 7am every day. And secondly, a nightlife (broadly defined as drinking alcoholic beverage and taking midnight cab home) costs too much when you don't earn too much as a teacher. Like I wasn't.
Just came back from a round of drinking at Brewerkz. Easily cost me the first $30 of my newly credited salary. I haven't even had the chance to see it in my bank account before I started spending it.
But the point is, when we were waiting for cabs, all three of them said their boyfriends were not very happy about their staying out to drink. I shook my head and comforted myself that I am single and do not have to give any thought about anyone being unhappy about what I do after work.
But, actually, what I would really, really like is to have someone to come home to. Someone to cuddle up with when I get home from work, or from drinking after work. I don't really care if someone would be dead asleep when I get home. I just want someone to cuddle up to, after the warmth of the alcohol sets in within.
In fact, I would like also, to be the person someone comes home to after work, or from drinking after work.
But, no. No 'someone'. And it's all right. Thoughts and desire remain those when no action is taken. And yes, they shall remain so.
At the end of the day, I still just rather sleep. Be taken by the hand by Sandman, be led into the wondrous realm. And anything could happen there. Better than to wait for someone who may never want to come back home to you. Better than to have any expectation of anyone.
So, this is me. Comprehend this. If you like. Not that I care.
And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow.
When all else fails, I find comfort in seeing a light left on for me. Or the music from the radio. It says that I'm not really alone.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:55
May 30, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
It felt like it was final. I was back together with Desmond. Back together, in a contemplating for marriage way. But, I didn't seem very happy (what's new?).
We went back to his house. He needed to change into a new set of clothes. I didn't go into his house. He told me to just wait outside for him. It would take only a while. So, I loitered along the corridor. And then, found myself near a bus stop. I was walking aimlessly. Then, I realised Wenn was at the bus stop. I walked up to her.
At that time, I could hear a commotion somewhere near the bus stop. Wenn and I hurriedly went to see what it was all about. We came to a row of old shophouses. An old lady was hanging by the window sill of one of the shophouses. Wenn and I immediately went to help. We went up the shophouse and managed to pull the old lady in.
Then, we took a little tour of the shophouse. It felt like the kind of shophouse meant for coolies, in the early days of Singapore. It was very crowded but very colourful. With a lot of leaflets, calender, posters and whatnot pasted on the walls. Wenn and I were still looking around when we heard a second commotion.
We went to the window sill again. And hanging by the sill this time was Desmond. Wenn kept getting me to go over and help her in pulling him in. Strangely, I was reluctant. I think I was avoiding him. For unknown reasons.
Until, not so long after, he couldn't hold on anymore and he fell. I ran to the window and saw that he had landed on the ground below. I ran down to the ground level and saw that he was hurt. I held him up, cradled his head in my chest and waited for the paramedics to come.
The next thing I know, I was telling him how the very moment he fell, I was senseless for a moment because I realized I didn't love him anymore, not in the way that I did. Hence, I definitely couldn't marry him. I didn't feel for him anything more than a mere person, not even a friend. We couldn't possibly be together again. He took all these in and accepted everything I said calmly.
Then, I found myself and Ade on a pavement. We were heading for a destination that I can't remember. Ade was helping me through some physiotherapy. It appeared that my legs were hurt and I couldn't use them. I was walking with my arms and hands.
I woke up.
This is possibly the 3rd time I dreamt that something happened to my legs and I was immobile.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
May 25, 2007
One-liners
But I understand now that she had found places for her melancholy that were behind more masks than only her eyes. (Everything is illuminated,
Jonathan Safran Foer)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:11
May 21, 2007
~ Randomly...
The weather these few nights has been awful.
xxx
2 occasions at work today, I think I made it quite clear that I feel stretched at work. And not quite pleased about that.
boss: Jancy, can you handle this project for me?
me: Can I say 'no'? Cannot, right?
boss: Can lahh. But, if not, then who will do it?
me: Exactly. If I said 'no', that will be my next natural question.
boss: Well...
me: Never mind. Let's get on with it.
---
boss: I need you to take this project for me. It's very urgent.
me: (sigh... what is not?) Ok.
boss: Do you think you can take this project?
me: Don't ask such questions. There's no real answer.
boss: Ok.
me: Ya. Come, what about it?
I have an attitude. Unfortunately, I also have the capability and the meticulous trait that you desire to see in your employees. So, put up with my attitude. And I'd try to put up with the workload and the crazy and not-very-intelligent clients you passed me.
xxx
I finished a small cup of Coke and left the empty cup on my desk for just one night. The next thing I know, ants are loitering around on my desk, circling around the cup.
Damn Coke.
Now I still see a few lost ants scurrying around on my desk and having expeditions on my laptop screen.
Damn Coke. Coke is evil.
xxx
On the other hand, smoothie is good. A good smoothie is a quick tour of heaven.
My instant anti-depressant. The I-feel-happy effect doesn't last very long. But at least, there is a little sense of happiness and contentment from a good smoothie.
A smoothie and waffle cafe. My cafe. Bask in heaven's little corner. It would be lovely if I could dream it...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:55
May 20, 2007
~ Randomly...
Kyn asked me why would I want to get tanned.
I replied that I think I would look healthier if I'm a little more tanned. Which might be true. Or not. But I think overly-fair is a bad addition to my thin frame. It makes me look sick. Or recovering from some sickness. Anyway, that was my reply.
But, I also realised that the very instant she asked why would I want to get tanned, the first thought that came to my mind was 'Because Kay liked it when I was a bit tanned'.
Shucks.
Damn.
Don't ask me why I do the things I do anymore. Ever.
xxx
Browsing through this vast internet of information, and getting excited by nothing, I suddenly felt like going to my GP to ask for that cough mixture he prescribed me many months ago. The very one which put me to deep sleep in 20 minutes flat. And had me wake up feeling like life has started anew. But of course it hadn't. If it had, I wouldn't be here still.
I hope she looks fabuloustastic with her now, looking so good together.
Shucks.
xxx
Ok. If you know of secondary school kids who need tuition (group tuition is most ideal) in English, Maths, Chinese (*a slight shiver went through my spine) or Accounts ('tis most ideal), contact me. Find some way.
I might as well earn more moolah and get my mum and myself to Switz faster.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:00
May 19, 2007
~ Randomly...
It was suddenly that I thought some kind of conclusion has dawned upon my thinking about it. When in actual fact, it probably was not that sudden. Because I started thinking about it before I went to bed yesterday. And that’s the same time as after I’ve switched off the telly, having watched episode 30 of Healing Hands IV. Sarah asked Frances what made her decide to start dating Paul when she’s supposed to be relishing in her new found singlehood (and hence, some sort of freedom). And Frances, looking far away as if the answer was out there, replied that it was when she saw Paul standing in front of her, waiting for her answer, and then, turning away dejected when she kept her silence, that was when she realized this person is important to her and that she can’t let him just walk away. I think that’s as good a gauge as any when it comes to the question of how do we know we are in love with someone. ‘In love’. Make it ‘falling in love’.
So I thought about that. Sitting in the bus, waiting at the platform, standing in the train. It’s about importance. But, more about meaning. I seem to know what this is all about. In a life as mundane as it can be, as existential as it can be (i.e for me), what gives meaning to this time, this moment? Or who? If, like how I keep hearing from well-meaning friends but who couldn’t quite grasp my current state, there is to be the next one out there waiting to fill up a void department in my life, then I suppose that I should know how to tell that someone apart from all the others.
She (or he) must be perceived by me (of course) to be able to give some meaning to my life. To shed a little light on why all the moments are here for, why there might be a chance yet for hope to make sense and be meaningfully retained.
I also thought about what Wenn and I have shared much, much earlier on. About how she (I’m sure it was only her opinion then) thinks that we (not restricting to just both of us) should marry someone we can’t live without and not someone we can live with. But, the oxymoron is, I don’t think anyone is totally indispensable to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, if one can live on after the passing of one’s mother, it only means no one is entirely indispensable to anyone. Yet again, what does living encompass? Would you consider a walking zombie living? And would you consider a brain-dead patient surviving on life support living? To live is not difficult. Neither to ‘live with’. But where is the meaning of living the minutes, hours, days and months? That’s what I’m supposed to find. Or who.
But, you know what? Finding is quite meaningless if in the end, you may lose. I don’t like to lose, again. And I don’t like pursuing something when I already don’t see much point in it.
xxx
(background: we were discussing the movie "28 Weeks Later")
Whying: I rather die than become a zombie.
Me: Never say never. You are not under that kind of circumstance, you won't know what you would do. People can do things they never thought they would under certain circumstances.
Whying: No, I won't. I don't want to be a zombie.
Emman: Zombie is good. If you are a zombie, life becomes all about pleasure. Living is all about having pleasure.
Me: Hey! That's a good one. Life becomes all about pleasure.
The pleasure of sinking your teeth into freshly scrubbed skin. I don't know if that will be a pleasurable thing to do. But, the idea of a zombie lives only to satisfy its pleasures sounds pretty cool, actually.
Every zombie for himself. I said I'd blog about it.
xxx
"We went to sing karaoke. At K-Box. Then, after that, we broke up."
On retrospect, that sounds quite funny and very casual.
I cried. Ya, I did. *haa* And you saw it. But you didn't stand up and clap!
It was the same song that took my heart away some time ago. One of the earliest songs we started singing to each other.
有了你，即使平凡却最重要；有了你，即使沉睡了也在笑。
Witty Whying has given me a new nic which is super apt - Jaded Jancy. *yay*
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:24
May 16, 2007
~ Randomly...
There's nothing I want from Hawaii. But in San Fran, pls try to find me a lesbian who'd marry me and take me away from this illusionary place.
There has never been any boundary to wishful thinking.
Have fun. Make babies. Kavitha needs a sibling.
xxx
I have a family at where I work. A very dysfunctional family. Complicated history, complex relationship. My daughter would love to start a blog about her very colourful family members and pet. If only she doesn't have so bloody damn many tuition. And more of a life.
Today is Daddy's last day at work. One month from now, sis and daughter will be leaving too, having completed their internship.
I have a new intern under me now. Very forthright, bubbly and eager to learn too. But, nobody can replace family.
Just the thought of June 16 depresses me. I think maybe I will just take a mc on that day. I can't handle departures. Damn.
xxx
In his last tear-jerking email to us, he wrote for me "Do not conform. That's your strength."
Do not conform. That's my strength. I keep thinking about the irony of it. Especially since I just wrote a couple days earlier that living is a matter of getting used to living. And earlier today, someone with work relations to me just told me that I would get used to being swarmed by work (after I sort of whined that I've tonnes of things to do and so many people wanted so many different things from me all at the same time). My question is, "Why should I get used to it?"
I don't conform to external pressure, and others' expectations of me. I think I don't. I know where I stand and what I want and not want from the various departments of my life; what I can compromise with and what I will not.
But, I bow really low to myself, to the voice within. I can't and don't want to fight it anymore. Let me be.
Empathy is always greatly appreciated. But I don't need anyone to understand.
The one-liner for today is here:
For how long could we fail before we surrendered? (Everything is illuminated,
Jonathan Safran Foer)
xxx
24 hours ago, she was still in office when I called. 24 hours later, she's in Beijing when I called.
I kind of relish the fact that we could be here in one moment and the next, we would be elsewhere. Elsewhere, away from here. Far, far away.
xxx
What do you do when the bus you are on is driven by a bus driver whose debut journey into the business of being a bus captain coincides with your attempt to make it to a particular place fast? And he drove and overshot and missed a turn and didn't know how to get back to the designated route. And some passengers had to get out of their seat, go to the front and help him navigate and tell him which bus stops to stop and which not to.
Is it more of a comedy (and I should just laugh it off) or an appalling standard of public transportation service (which I should write to the relevant company and complain about)?
I mean, really... what would you do? And they keep hiking the bus fares with all sorts of justifications.
xxx
The only good thing about wisdom tooth extraction is the 1 week MC that comes along with it. I just need to fix a date really soon.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:32
May 13, 2007
~ Randomly...
This is one of the songs used in one of the Teacher's Day celebration then. I helped to choose it. And it's one of the songs I listen to on my MRT rides. The feeling is a feeling of sad liberation. Like all that we've lost and yet, all that may be yet to come.
Just my imagination ~
The CranberriesThere was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality
It was just my imagination
There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It's the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I've always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I'd be unstable
It was just my imagination
There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality
It's not my imagination
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:57
Dreams - My other reality
(I had wanted a good, nice dream. A dream I could remember in my waking moments and, perhaps, indulge in. Somehow, to be able to remember a dream gives this side of the reality more substance.)
I was with Kay. At the back of a pick-up or some kind of vehicle that had an open top. We were talking, trying to clear up some misunderstanding. At some point in our conversation, she said she still cares about me and she still loves me. I found that believable. And I did believe. Nevertheless, I felt it was all too late. And I expressed that it was too late. I believed her but I couldn't allow myself to treat her as I did. She said she lied. She lied in the email that she sent. She lied about her seeing someone else. I told her I knew it was a lie. But since I also said I'd believe whatever she told me, I had to believe the lie.
She was sorry. For some reason not known, she wanted my help to pretend that we were getting along just fine, in front of her parents. She wanted me to pretend we were OK. Even though her mum must have seen that I was upset. 'Cos she came to me and asked if I was feeling all right.
At that point, I realised I was on a wheelchair. My right leg was injured. Something happened and I was hurt in the right leg. I was wheelchair bound. So, when her mum came and asked if I was all right, I lied that I was upset because of my leg.
Apparently, her parents were coming over to my house to stay over. In my parents' room. With my parents. I realised the room was getting really too crammed. And I did wonder for a bit why would they be coming over to my house to stay for the night? It felt like we were all travel-bound. So, they came over to stay for the night so we could all depart from my house the next morning.
Jasmine's bf was there too. He wanted to watch a basketball match on the TV in my parents' room. So, I told him he couldn't because the room was getting too crammed. And Kay's mum told me she couldn't sleep if there was TV on in the same room. So, I went to talk to Yanxian. I asked him if he could watch the match over the net. I could lend him my laptop. And he didn't seem very happy about it. But agreed, anyway.
xxx
Apple, Kay and me were in Hong Kong. Kay and I shared a room and Apple had one to herself.
It was our first morning in Hong Kong. I woke up early to get breakfast. I walked this long stretch of shops which sold all kinds of breakfast items like steamed cakes, pastries, Chee Cheong Fun. I was in search of egg tarts. Because I remembered Kay said she wanted to eat all the very good egg tarts in Hong Kong. She even said she wouldn't tire of eating it everyday. So, I wanted to know where I could find very good egg tarts.
I went into a shop which sold a lot of steamed cakes and pastries. I asked an aunty there where I could find delicious egg tarts. She told me this shop which was quite a distance away. Her eyes almost lit up while she was telling me. So, I must be very convinced that it was very good egg tarts. Then, I remembered Kynthia once brought me to this tea restaurant in Hong Kong, near where she was staying in Sham Shui Po. And she told me they sold the best egg tarts in Hong Kong and I definitely must try. So, I asked the aunty if that was the one she was referring to. And the aunty said it was exactly that one.
I was really happy. I found very good egg tarts! And I would bring Kay there.
When I got back to the hotel, I went to find Apple. She was not in her room. I didn't know where she was. So, I left the breakfast I bought for her in her room. Then, I went back to the room I was sharing with Kay. She was vacuuming the carpeted floor. I asked why she was awake so early. She asked where did I go. And I just gave a knowing smile.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:24
May 12, 2007
~ Randomly...
从每天至少也会经过一次的巴士站走回家的路上，突然问了自己一个问题：“到底生活是什么?”
没一会儿，也回答了自己：“生活只是一种适应，一种习惯。”
好像我已经习惯没有她之后的每个星期五晚上。星期五，已经习惯在办公室加时，然后或者回家，或者跟同事吃晚饭，可多数还是会和 Wenn 碰面，吃很晚的晚饭，再回家。再一个人走过每天必定经过的，吵闹的巴士站，幽静的租屋走廊，再回到家。
回家的感觉总是很好。
我喜欢生活中的什么，其实真的没什么。也没什么好喜欢的。不喜欢的倒是不少。比如，刚刚和 Wenn 也谈到的：
It's nice if you always have someone to eat with. But, if there's no one to eat with, you can't possibly starve yourself to death because there's no one to eat with you. It would be easier if you could just starve yourself to death. Life would be simpler if that could happen. But, it doesn't.
是不喜欢，又怎么样? 从来也没有人因为不喜欢自己一个人吃饭而饿死。至少我没听说过。
所以，最终还不是一场适应，造成一种习惯。也没有什么不好的！起码，你习惯做的任何一样东西，你大概也不会去想太多，不会想你到底喜不喜欢，开不开心；只是会继续继续地重复。
你也不要问我，这样有什么意思。我都没说生活有什么意思。你都读不懂吗? 就是没意思，才会想这么多。如果有任何意思，我也不会甘于习惯。如果有任何意思，我也不会常常想起哪年哪月的哪一天。
XXX
Wenn 的华语真的说的比我好了。我真的好久没有在用华语持续一段对话了。不过，如她所说的，要讲到写，我还是有保留一点主修华文的程度。哈哈。
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:42
May 10, 2007
~ Randomly...
I especially like the kind of feeling when I realised I just missed that station where she used to be waiting for my train to arrive, when we meet on the train. I especially like it when I looked up from the book that I was so engrossed in and realised the yellow walled station has passed.
I especially like the kind of feeling when I did something we used to do, or passed some place that used to be our haunt and I didn't realise it was something we used to do, or some place that used to be our haunt.
There are things that I could put down, put behind, whatever. But, not that last email. Not that email. That denied everything. Even before I could get down to packing them away.
xxx
There is this cat who found this very comfortable bed out of a plastic bench at a void deck near my place. I am assuming it to be a 'her'.
Every morning, when I pass the void deck to go to the bus stop, she would be asleep. Every evening, when I pass the void deck to come back home, she would, still, be asleep. Usually, the same bench. But, in different sleep positions.
I once took a mms picture of her sleeping, all stretched out, on the bench. She was so very deep in her slumber. She always looks totally relaxed, as if she already knew how meaningless and boring life can get, especially for a cat who need not prey for mice, need not bring the dough home, and need not anything.
Everytime I passed by her, I would want to be just like her. I would want to just keep sleeping. For what use is there for being awake? As if, the world can keep on spinning and spinning and I can't care less.
I like this cat.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:08
Dreams - My other reality
Of tiger. As a pet. I don't mean cubs. Real, alive, big tigers.
xxx
Of emails. A lot of emails. 2 were from her.
And then, a lot of friends. Can't remember who.
xxx
I need more elaborate dreams and I need to remember them better. I seem to be dreaming much less these days. Not less. Just that I find it harder to remember. Although I always make a wish to dream of certain things, certain people, before I sleep.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:01
May 09, 2007
~ Randomly...
其实，分手也并不代表什么。
它只不过把本来属于我们两个人的变成了过去，本来可能属于我们俩的变成了不可能；
只是让回忆变成一段段我不敢去触碰的故事，让那曾经渴求的未来变成在手里融化掉的雪花。
好像很久以前，关于我的好多好多，你都好想好想知道。然而，你却搞不懂。我也很想让你懂，也很有耐心地和你沟通。我们都那么努力，最后，到底是谁放弃了，还是根本也不会有结果?
结果，结果到底是什么? 是谁要的这个结果，为什么不让我再选一次?
分手，那又怎么样? 它结束了一段感情，结束得了爱情吗?
"世界上最遥远的距离，不是天与地的距离；而是我站在你面前，你却不知道我爱你。"
不知道谁因为这句话而出了名。我想到的距离比这还要远。世界上最遥远的距离是我以为找到了最懂我的那个人，后来才发觉那个人一点也不懂我。
所以，我已经不想被懂，不想被了解。根本没有人有任何必要去懂，去了解另外一个人， 尽管我们多么渴望被了解。所以，关于我的好多好多，你已经不想不想知道，我也不想不想被任何人知道。
我拼命在尘封过去；不是想忘记，只是不想记起。我想在我已经记不起来的时候，但愿那最最遥远的距离也会天涯若咫尺。
xxx
好久没有用华语写写了。。。
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:46